Loving the Way You do
by miethra songweaver
Summary: they cannot forget each other even when they're so far apart, but they're not meant to be together. they can't because it's wrong. but when they try to replace each other with someone else, will they finally get over each other?
1. prologue:birthdays

disclaimer: i own only the plot and nothing but the plot

* * *

**Prologue: Birthdays**

_It was not the same, celebrating his birthday in the hostel all alone. He thought he would have gotten used to it by now, but he was wrong. There were some things that took a whole life to get used to, and there were others that you never got used to._

_And this was one of them._

_Not that he was ever going to admit it to him._

_It did not matter that he had new friends whom he called family now; it was not the same. Funny how he would keep comparing this to what he used to have. When he left that day one year ago, he had sworn to leave everything behind him. Everything. But it seemed that it was not the case._

_If it were, his heart would not ache whenever he heard his name._

_If it were, his tears would not fall when he lay himself to sleep at night._

_It was funny, how he could hate a person so much, yet love him just as much. He did not understand; it was a constant struggle that went on even now. How could anything so contradictory in nature feel so right together? How could two opposites ever be one? He did not understand._

_The candlelight flickered and danced. He watched as the melted wax traveled down the candle sluggishly; he should blow it out soon. They used to blow out the candles together, but no more._

_How he missed him._

_He closed his eyes and made a wish. A very simple wish._

_The instant he blew out the candle, his phone started to ring._

_His wish had come true._

* * *

A/N: I know I shouldn't be starting on yet another fic when my other fic's still unfinished. But I was so inspired I really wanted to write this. The prologue does not give away much I suppose, but that leaves more space for imagination until I update it, ne? 


	2. Chapter 1:troubles of their own

disclaimer: i own the plot, the plot only, and nothing but the plot; i do no own PoT, as much as i wish i do...

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**Troubles of their Own**

Fuji Syuusuke sat quietly on the bench in the clubhouse, thinking. Time and time again, he found himself reaching for his phone unconsciously. Each time he had had to forcefully stop himself and fold his hands in his lap once again. Only to have them wandering towards his bag once again.

"What's with your hand senpai?" The voice of Seigaku's resident child prodigy was an adorable mix of boredom and curiosity both at the same time as he sauntered into the clubhouse.

Fuji felt his heart skip a beat.

"Extra training," the tensai returned smoothly as he flexed his hands deliberately for the younger boy to see. The freshman rolled his eyes in disbelief and turned to his locker. Fuji loved seeing that I-know-you're-lying-but-honestly-I-don't-give-a-damn look on his face. "Ne, Echizen. How was your game?" he asked, smiling genially as always at the petite boy.

"What game?" Large catlike eyes blinked almost quizzically.

"The one with Arai?" the smiling tensai offered.

Blink.

"Oh. That one." Understanding dawned in those bright amber depths. "It was good warm up," Echizen replied nonchalantly as he reached for his uniform. Fuji felt his eyebrow twitch in amusement. "That hardly counts as a game; Arai senpai didn't put up much of a fight."

"That wasn't nice, Echizen. I'd be more careful with my words if I were you; you never know who might hear them," Fuji said, smile widening as he saw the door open silently to admit a very livid-looking Arai. He looked ready to kill the smaller boy with his bare hands.

"Kowaii…" Fuji drawled calmly as he watched the furious junior lunge murderously for the unaware freshman regular. He grinned widely as he rested his chin in his hands, propped against his knees; this was getting almost too interesting to miss.

It would be a good source of distraction for him. Especially since a certain feline-like freshman was involved. His grin widened.

But of course, as usual, the tensai never got things his way, for the ever concerned Mother of Seigaku was soon on the scene, trying his utmost best to physically separate the two younger boys. Fuji breathed a sigh of disappointment as Oishi, with help from Kikumaru, successfully pulled the two boys apart, albeit with much kicking and shouting from both parties. Oishi's inborn ability to detect conflict almost as soon as it took place never failed to amaze Fuji. It was as if he was telepathic, or something.

'Oishi's here to save the day again, ne?" Fuji smiled up at his fukubuchou who was presently heaving a heavy sigh of relief, wiping at his brow with his sleeve.

Oishi flushed as was characteristic of him at the comment. "You sound disappointed, Fuji," the gentle boy chided lightly as he met Fuji's gaze.

"Ah. Gomen, gomen." The tensai chuckled as he brushed at a stray strand of hair that had wandered into his face.

"You should be, senpai." Echizen glared at his ever-smiling senpai who had just turned on his innocence-meter to the maximum. When all Fuji did in return was to smile even more widely, Echizen stomped out of the clubhouse, sending every single dust particle in his way running with his sheer wrath. Oishi heaved an exasperated sigh and Eiji reached over to pat him sympathetically on the back like it was some kind of routine to them.

Fuji did not look away until the door closed fully to shut his view of the younger boy off. Even then, the tensai had had to force himself to tear his gaze away; he was beautiful even when he was angry like that.

"Nyah! You know, Fujiko-chan? You really shouldn't have done that!" Eiji declared as bounded to Fuji's side. "That wasn't nice, nyah!" He tapped a finger lightly on the tip of Fuji's nose.

"Do what, Eiji?" Fuji creased his brow thoughtfully.

Eiji's eyes widened in surprise and Oishi sighed once again. Fuji beamed inwardly; he did so love to tease his friends like this. It was a game that he never tired of.

* * *

"Baka Fuji-senpai," Echizen Ryoma muttered the umpteenth time within that minute as he made his way to the school gates where he knew Momo-senpai would be waiting for him as always. Why did it always have to be him that fell prey to almost all of the cruel tensai's death-tricks? It wasn't fair; Fuji-senpai wasn't being fair. But since when had he ever been fair? Always thinking only of himself, doing things for his own reasons. No, Fuji Syuusuke had never been fair, and would never be fair if he could help it. Especially if a certain freshman Regular was involved. Ryoma kicked vehemently at a perfectly innocent pebble which had unwittingly and unwisely gotten itself into his path. 

"Echizen."

Ryoma turned around, surprised at the voice. "Buchou," he mumbled as he adjusted his cap. "I thought you left early."

"The same goes to you, Echizen." Tezuka deadpanned as he walked past freshman. Ryoma blinked, then swore under his breath as he caught up with his captain. It annoyed him no end that all his seniors seemed to derive much inhuman pleasure from treating him this way. Well, maybe except for Oishi-senpai and Kawamura-senpai.

So much for calling him a brat when they're acting almost twice the brat to him.

"Baka senpai-tachi," Ryoma said under his breath, just loud enough for Tezuka buchou to hear him perfectly clearly.

"Did Fuji do something again?" Tezuka asked quietly, unruffled by the younger boy's previous comment. Ryoma did a double take inwardly; how did he know? The taller boy turned slightly to look at him when Ryoma did not reply immediately. Ryoma met the inquiring gaze and felt his heart quicken a little; Tezuka had beautiful eyes, the grey of a clear morning sky over the sea.

"Che. He didn't do much." Ryoma shrugged nonchalantly. "Just the usual egging-on. But Oishi-senpai dealt with it, so it's ok now." He shoved his hands into his pockets.

Tezuka nodded, satisfied, and looked straight ahead again.

They walked in silence to the gates where Momoshiro was already waiting.

"Oi, Echizen! What took you so long…" The powerhouse of Seigaku started to say when he caught sight of the freshman. Then he caught sight of their buchou and he swallowed the rest of his words. Ryoma smirked; the stoic buchou had that effect on most people.

"Good evening, buchou!" Momoshiro greeted a little too loudly. Just like Momo-senpai; always so… enthusiastic. Under the brim of his cap, Ryoma's smirk widened.

"I'll see the two of you tomorrow at practice," Tezuka said looking levelly at both of his kohai. "Do not be late," he added, looking pointedly at Ryoma as he placed an extra emphasis on the last word.

Blink.

"Hai, buchou." Ryoma's smirk was wiped off as he pulled his cap lower.

Tezuka nodded solemnly and walked off, leaving a spluttering Momoshiro and a sulking Echizen by the school gate.

"Do not be late," Momoshiro mimicked in a weird singsong voice as he wagged a finger at his little friend before bursting into bouts of uncontrollable laughter. Echizen's face started twitching again.

"Stop laughing already Momo-senpai!"

* * *

The sun was almost set by the time Fuji finally left the clubhouse; he had wanted to be the last to go. He did not want to have to run into anyone he knew when he was thinking, especially not his fellow Regulars. Fuji's face softened into a smile; it was nice to know that there people who cared so much about you that they could sense your every worry and concern and be there to share it all with you. But this time, his worry was his own to shoulder and he did not want anyone to worry about him. 

It wouldn't be fair to them.

Slowly he stood up from the bench and reached for his tennis bag. His hand instinctively tried to seek out his phone again but he forced it back. Resolutely, he hitched it onto his shoulder and left for home.

There were some things in this world that you had to face all on your own.

And there were some hurt that you had to shoulder all by yourself.

"I should call him," Fuji whispered softly to himself. It sounded like a question and the only answer he got was from the evening breeze. The tensai heaved a ragged sigh as his hand tightened on the strap of his bag.

Then there was laughter. Children's laughter.

He slowly looked towards the park on his right and saw children playing just like the two of them used to. Fuji felt a sudden pang in his chest; they used to laugh like that too. But no more, ever since Yuuta left for St. Rudolph a year ago. Not that they laughed together much even before Yuuta went away.

_Yuuta…_

He wanted to look away from this sight before him, this reminder of what he used to have, and what he could have no more. He should, but he could not; he yearned for all that they used to have, all that he could not have. Could no longer have. Even if it's just a glimpse, a shadow, a hint, he would not let it go.

He had loved too deep to let it go. To let it all go, like he should have the moment Yuuta walked away from him. It had long become more than a matter of should and shouldn't and could and couldn't.

_My… Yuuta._

So he stood and watched, letting his eyes slowly open. He would take it in its entirety, no matter how much it hurt; he wanted it. Desired it, with all his being; this glimpse of the past.

He watched, and he let his pain slowly devour him.

Fuji had always doted on his little brother; he loved Yuuta above everything else. It had been the things were ever since they were young. But there came a time, Fuji wasn't sure when, when Yuuta became more than just everything to him. A time when Yuuta ceased to be everything that Fuji held dear to himself and became the only thing that Fuji could ever care about.

When he took over Fuji Syuusuke completely.

Fuji could not remember when it happened, or how. It did not matter to him; he would not have it any other way. A sad smile crossed the beautiful tensai's face. He had not wanted it any other way, and he still did not want it any other way.

He could not let go. And he would not, even though he knew he should.

He wasn't being fair, and he knew it; Fuji Syuusuke had never been known for his fairness.

"Fuji." Tezuka's quiet voice sounded too loud for him.

"Ah, Tezuka," Fuji greeted, face set in his usual smile. "I thought I was the last one to leave."

"You are. I waited."

"Saa… Just like you to be so direct, Tezuka," Fuji replied silkily. Fuji was not called a genius for nothing; it was hard to act as if nothing was wrong when all you felt like doing was just to break down and cry. "Anything you want to talk to me about?" He tilted his head slightly to the side.

"Your actions seem to have caused an irrational hatred towards senior club members in Echizen." Tezuka stared levelly at the smiling tensai before him. "Care to explain, Fuji?"

Fuji started a little at Tezuka's command. It was not the tone he buchou employed, of course; everyone in the club knew that Tezuka Kunimitsu preferred the image of an authoritarian to the benevolent leader that Oishi was. Fuji's brow creased ever so slightly. Something was not right.

"I asked you a question, Fuji." Tezuka's eyes turned a steely grey.

Fuji felt himself do a double take inwardly; Tezuka was angry? With him? That made no sense. "Maa… Calm down Tez…"

"I am calm. Now will you explain yourself."

Fuji's eyebrow twitched; something was every wrong. In fact, this had been going on for quite a while now. Not that anybody else noticed it; it was a change in Tezuka that was too subtle even for him to detect immediately. He wondered why.

"It wasn't that great a deal. I merely omitted the fact that Arai was just by the door when Echizen was commenting on how poorly Arai played," Fuji answered smoothly, laying a comforting hand on Tezuka's upper arm. "It wasn't like I induced the fight that followed on purpose."

"There was a fight?"

Fuji continued smiling. "It was nothing that Oishi couldn't deal with. It was over before it even began."

Tezuka nodded solemnly. "I see." The hardness was gone from his eyes now.

Fuji noted down the strange behaviour mentally. "If there is nothing else, I will go now," he said cheerily and started to leave.

"Call him, if only to take it off your mind," Tezuka said suddenly.

Fuji stopped dead in his tracks.

"Sorry?" He felt his control slipping away from him. "I didn't catch…"

"I said to call him. It'll be better for the two of you. Today's his birthday, isn't it?" Tezuka's voice sounded much louder than it was.

"I promised to give him independence, Tezuka," Fuji explained slowly, desperately grabbing at the remnants of control he held over himself.

"Wishing him happy birthday is only normal for an older brother to do, especially since he isn't coming home for his birthday," Tezuka returned quietly. "Besides, the last thing I want is to have a distracted player on my team. Get it over and done with, Fuji."

"You seem to be uncharacteristically talkative today, Tezuka," Fuji retorted in a last attempt to retrieve lost grounds.

He thought he saw Tezuka flinch a little, but he could not be sure.

"Solve you problems if you intend to keep them," Tezuka said coldly. "I'll see you tomorrow at practice."

Fuji stared silently as Tezuka walked away.

The children were still laughing, and it was becoming unbearable so he went home.

No one noticed how out of sorts he was, of course. No one ever did; he was that good. He smiled and looked cheerful as they discussed about how Yuuta's birthday party would have been had he come home; his voice was light-hearted as he recalled the past birthday parties with the rest of their family. Everybody missed Yuuta.

But no one missed him like Fuji Syuusuke did.

It was late in the night when Fuji finally dialed Yuuta's number. They did not say much before Yuuta hung up. Fuji stayed up a long while after that, staring at the phone, listening to the annoying beeping sounds it made to indicate that the call had ended.

Two hours later, he finally went to bed, with the phone right next to his ear.

If only he had known that his call came right after Yuuta blew out the candle.

* * *

A/N: 1st chapter up! hehz. finally. took me long enough, but i was caught up. it didn't really turn out the way i hoped... i really wanted to slip in some hints of the pairings to come... but there wasn't time and space cos fuji's angsting and moping so much over his litle brother. XD. no bother. i'll clear things up a little more in the next few chapters. hehez. 


	3. Chapter 2:holics

disclaimer: nothing but the plot is mine

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**Holics**

He sat silently in the darkness, long after lights out; he never had any trouble falling asleep before, yet here he was sitting wide awake when he really should be having a good night's rest after the grueling day. Life at Saint Rudolph was a constant struggle for survival, as it was anywhere else for Mizuki Hajime. For him, life had always been that and nothing more; it was all a war he could not afford to lose. As such, it was only right for him to be soundly asleep in bed now, only four more hours to daybreak and school, to recharge himself for the challenges of the new day.

But something was bugging him. Had been gnawing at him for a while now, making him restless for days.

Distracted, Mizuki rose from his seat to pace the length of his room for the fifth time under that hour, tugging at a single curl of his hair in frustration. A habit, that tugging motion of his. There was comfort in habits. Yet he could not help the overwhelming emotions that welled up as his eyes fell on a discreet little package that lay quietly on his nightstand.

It would seem that comfort in habits was overrated.

Involuntarily, he reached out to finger the meticulously wrapped package. The crisp rice paper rustled softly at the touch and the silken ribbon flowed through his fingers like a lively rivulet. A present. Hesitantly, the boy slowly picked the package up, only to put it back a few seconds later. He stared intently at the present through the darkness, his mind a total blank for once. All his data and scenarios were of no use to him now, not when all he had to do was just to walk down the hallway, knock on Yuuta's door, wish him a happy birthday, and pass him the present. It was that simple. He did not even have to consider the consequences; what harm would there be in a senpai's birthday present to his- questionably- favourite kohai?

So why in the world was he hesitating so much?

Because it was almost three in the morning and all conventions in the world indicated it to be an unearthly hour inappropriate for visitations of any nature. Right. A wry smile crossed his face as he tugged hard at a stray lock of hair. So he was down to excuses now, excuses for hesitating, when he needed reasons. His mind, Mizuki had gradually come to realize over the years, had its way of doing and explaining things on its own. It was interesting, this phenomenon of the mind acting independently of the self.

Or maybe it was just a sign of how sad he had become. Sad, as in pathetic; loser-pathetic. A mirthless chuckle escaped from his lips; he had never been one to be soft on himself. Others could say whatever they liked about him, but he had his own set of rules to live by. His life, if it were to be examined closely, would be oddity governed by habits and rules. Used to be. Before Yuuta came into his life and upset the balance.

He had lived a life of scenarios, had enjoyed it, and had no reason to not live it this way. But none of his scenarios had Yuuta factored in them. Fuji Yuuta, in essence, was an unwanted factor, unexpected and unpredictable; an intruder. He was all wrong and he did not fit into the equations Mizuki had carefully planned out. He was all wrong, yet he was all right. It was all right when Mizuki was with him, even when all his scenarios were going berserk in his mind.

Yuuta was all right, even when he made Mizuki's world all wrong. And he wondered why. He came up with countless answers, yet never the one answer he truly needed; his forte lay in formulating scenarios. Possible answers. Suitable answers. Maybes and could-bes.

The day slowly arrived and Mizuki was lost.

* * *

Tezuka jabbed his pen listlessly at his papers, uncharacteristically distracted, even though it was far from obvious to anyone watching. To anyone else, he was the perfect image of concentration as he pondered over the papers. Even the jabbing seemed to imply complete focus on the matter at hand. But the fact remained that the stoic youth was highly distracted, even if no one else recognized it. No, scratch that. Disturbed, actually, would be a more accurate term. 

Or maybe annoyed.

Heaving a near imperceptible sigh Tezuka shoved his papers firmly away; he was done with all of them anyway. He only decided to keep working on them in hopes of distracting himself from thinking about what happened this evening. But it had been a futile attempt, of course. He had ended up being more distracted than before, and for someone who firmly believed in not letting one's guard down at all times, this was entirely unacceptable. He should have known better than to let Fuji's words get to him this way.

Having known the tensai for two whole years, he should have seen this coming; the way Fuji always seemed to see everything, always seemed to be getting under your skin. His skin. But he was right of course; he always was. And that unnerved Tezuka, though he would never admit it to any living soul for as long as he was alive.

He crossed his arms as he leaned forward onto his writing desk, thinking; he seemed to be doing a lot of it recently. And he thought about this evening.

Fuji was right when he said Tezuka was angry, or something to that effect; Fuji Syuusuke knew Tezuka well enough to know that the image of a stoic buchou was more important to Tezuka than anything else, even outside of school hours. He would never say anything that would antagonize Tezuka on purpose; Fuji Syuusuke was a lot more tactful than he liked to show. But what he said was enough. Enough to confirm the nagging suspicion that had been eating at him for the past few weeks. Tezuka buried his face in his arms.

_Yudon sezu ni ikou_; don't let your guard down. Be alert.

Tezuka Kunimitsu lived by a code, and he had a way of doing things, whether others liked it or not. But few ever complained because strict as he was, he had always been fair and just. And equal. People respected him for that. But he wasn't all fair either, not to himself. If he was described as unrelenting towards others, then he was unforgiving towards himself; he had a code to live by. He would be nothing if he broke the code.

Never, ever, let your guard down. Words, when repeated over and over again, became a spell, a chant of some sort. Like hypnosis, with that swinging pendulum, bringing you away from reality, or making you believe you were being brought away. A false sense of security. You never realized it till you're too late.

Tezuka shook a little; the night air was a little chilly.

He never knew when it started; it was so gradual. A change, slowly, but a change nonetheless. A code, a spell, a chant. And he realized the change too late. He became restless, easily irritated, even helpless, among others. Desperately he had tried to cover up, tried to hide, denying its existence. He put the blame on stress, on school, on the upcoming Districts. Others would have readily accepted the reasons, like he did. Like his mind did. But not his body, or his heart.

Because if they did he would not be watching his every move on court and off court, would not be concerned with his feelings during and outside of club activities, would not have waited long after practice was over so that he could meet him as if by coincidence when he had a major test the very next day. He would be treating him the same way he treated everyone else. Not getting upset over his half-hearted remarks like he did this evening.

Yudon sezu ni ikou.

And Fuji, who could read anyone so easily as if reading off an open book, had read him perfectly. Even if he didn't say anything out loud, his eyes said it all. _I know you're in trouble, but I'm not sure what yet; I'll figure you out. _That's what those eyes said. _I'll figure everything out._

And Tezuka was afraid. It was something that he would never have permitted himself to feel. Fear was weakness, and he would not allow himself to be weak. Never. But he could not change the fact that he was, either, not matter what he told himself.

When all false security was shattered, your only hope was yourself.

The phone down the hallway started to ring and Tezuka got up from his seat. He'll get the phone before his ever-vigilant grandfather did. At least he still had control over something inconsequential like this. Even a straw could seem strangely precious when you're caught in a maelstrom.

_Be alert; don't ever let your guard down_.

* * *

"Ne, ne! Oishi! What did he say? What did he say? C'mon, Oishi! Tell me tell me, nyah!" Eiji wheedled as he nuzzled Oishi's neck, hugging him around his middle. The said boy did not reply, instead he chuckled softly, pulling Eiji with him as he fell backwards onto his bed. But Eiji knew immediately that something was wrong. Instincts, or something. 

"Oishi?" Eiji whispered against the warm chest below him.

"He wouldn't tell me anything, Eiji; it's never happened before. It must be something bad," Oishi said quietly as he hugged Eiji closer to himself. "I'm worried, Eiji…" Eiji didn't like the way Oishi was talking, didn't like the way he was holding him. He was so far away now, and Eiji never liked it when Oishi was far away. His arms tightened instinctively around Oishi. Possessive, even.

But all Oishi did was to continue stroking his hair absently.

Eiji buried his face in Oishi's chest, feeling his heart pound below him, breathing him in. It was his fault, really; he should have known better than to bring it up. But he had felt uncomfortable after this evening. To put it more accurately, he had been unsettled for a while now, watching his best friend and his buchou, both of whom had been acting strangely lately. It was more of a feeling, really, but after this evening all his doubts were confirmed. Something was definitely wrong, and so naturally he had told Oishi about it.

Bad move.

Bad.

"Eiji? Do you… Will Tezuka be alright?" Oishi asked softly, staring straight at the ceiling. And Eiji suddenly felt very cold.

Very afraid and insecure.

"Nyah, Oishi! I'll go get some water, nyah? Try not to have your mind wander too far into outer space where I can't find you, ne?" Eiji leaned up to kiss Oishi lightly on the brow. Oishi smiled before letting Eiji go.

Eiji all but ran into the refuge of the kitchen.

His hands were shaking as he poured himself some water; they were shaking so hard that it was inevitable that the glass slipped from his hands. Onto the floor and broke. As he bent to pick up the shards of glass, Eiji was suddenly angry, with himself. Angry, with his weakness, with his insecurity, with his jealousy towards Tezuka. He chewed hard on his lower lip.

He had always known how important Tezuka was to Oishi. The way Oishi looked up to him, admired him, respected him, and even for a time, loved him. Tezuka… he meant a lot to Oishi, before Eiji ever came into the picture, and long after that. Eiji knew that no matter how much Oishi loved him, he would never fully belong to Eiji. Because there was a part in Oishi that Eiji could never breach, a part reserved for Tezuka alone. He knew all that, much better than anyone else, even better than Oishi himself. And Eiji, much as he hated his selfishness, did not want that. He did not want to share Oishi with anyone else. Even Tezuka.

Oishi belonged to him; he was his.

Therefore, he hated it when Oishi thought about Tezuka, because it would take him so far away, to places that he could not follow. Hated it when he talked about Tezuka, because his eyes would light up for someone not him, his voice would raise for someone not him, and he would smile that rare smile for someone not him. Because Oishi would forget all about him and be lost in a world where Eiji could not go, and Eiji was afraid that one day Oishi would never remember him again. Would never return from that far away place. He wanted Oishi to be always with him, to always be there for him.

Selfish him; but selfishness had become habitual to Kikumaru Eiji. As had jealousy. The pang that never went away whenever Oishi thought about Tezuka, worried about him. It was not a good combination.

"Eiji! What are you doing?"

Eiji's head snapped up as Oishi rushed to his side. "O..Oishi… I… broke a glass… I'm sorry…" He fumbled clumsily around for the right words to use.

"You'll hurt yourself like that, Eiji! " Oishi reached to snatch the shard Eiji held in his hand.

"Oishi…" Eiji whispered, near tears now.

"You were gone for so long I got worried. Really, Eiji. Don't ever do anything that'll hurt yourself again…" he muttered as he started to clean up the mess himself, picking up the broken shards absently.

"Oishi! You're doing exactly what you told me not to do!"

"Better me than you, Eiji," he said. "You never take care of yourself at all." And he smiled.

As Eiji tackled Oishi to the kitchen floor, he felt a lot better; it was only Oishi and him now. No Tezuka.

Oishi's breathing became obviously laboured as Eiji kissed him deeply. With all the need and want he was feeling now. "Eiji…" he breathed as they drew apart. "It's a good thing my family's away for the weekend…" And he chuckled lightly.

_Oishi… _

It was hard not to be selfish when you were in love with someone like Oishi. Someone, who knew how to love as wholeheartedly as Oishi.

* * *

Tezuka felt weak as he hung up; so Oishi and Kikumaru had seen his little episode with Fuji and gotten worried. 

_We went for some ice-cream before going home,_ Oishi had explained. _It wasn't on purpose, Tezuka! We just… happened to look in that general direction… _

_I understand._

_Oh. Sorry._ Oishi had paused for a while before continuing. _Ano… Eiji was so worried about the two of you. He's been a little off lately, and he wouldn't tell me what's going on until today…_

_Tezuka, as a friend, I hope that you would tell me what happened back there today. I know I'm not as sensitive or as intuitive as Eiji or Fuji, or else I would have noticed something sooner. But I'd like to help you. We would like to help you._

_If you'd let us, Tezuka. _

Oishi was the best friend anyone could ever hope for. And the sweetest boyfriend, too. Even if he didn't say it out loud, Tezuka could sense it in his words; he was doing this for Eiji as well. Eiji, who hadn't been quite himself because he was worried.

But being Tezuka, he had turned it down. He had said he was fine and needed no help and hung up. He guessed he wanted to deal with it himself; it was his problem after all, and something he said earlier came back to haunt him.

_Solve your problems if you intend to keep them. _

A wry smile; so it was meant for himself after all. Tomorrow then, he promised. Tomorrow he would deal with it. This. But as he got into bed that night, Tezuka failed to realize one thing.

Problems were weaknesses. To acknowledge that he had a problem was to admit that he had a weakness, and you only had weaknesses when you let your guard down.

False security, it lingered long even after the mechanism that induced it broke down.

The code, as he failed to realize, had been broken a long time ago.

Habits were such overrated things.

* * *

A/N: That didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted it to. But I like it nonetheless. Sorry if I made Mizuki and Eiji and Tezzie a little ooc. This is angst, so that's merely for dramatic effect. :D. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. And also, things will be cleared up a little more the next chapter. Or messed up, depending on how you want to look at it. This fic ma turn out to be more convoluted than I anticipate it to be, judging from the way things are going... :S. Ahh... But I do hope that people enjoyed reading this so far. :) I'll work harder on the subsequent chapters, I promise! Haha. 


	4. Chapter 3:denial

disclaimer: nothing but the plot is mine

* * *

**Chapter 2: Denial**

_Strands of honeyed gold fell softly onto his face, like the gentle showers in springtime. Caressing lightly, lovingly. He could see the colour of the sky through the golden mist; the grey of a new dawn broken over the cerulean ocean. He idly tried to search for the right words to describe the perfect beauty he beheld above him. _

_Magnificent. Exquisite. Sublime. Breathtaking. _

_It was all that, this vision above him; all that and more. _

_He reached up to pull it towards him and the warmth that pressed against him suffused through his entire being, rendering him more alive than he had ever been before. Every touch and every breath on him made him just a little more aware. A little closer to paradise. _

_He felt himself ablaze with sensations, and he was getting near. Nearer and nearer…

* * *

_

And Echizen Ryoma was startled out of his sleep as he fell off his bed, crashing to the floor. He groaned as he rubbed the back of his head gingerly. He groaned even louder when he realized how late it was after a casual glance at his alarm clock which was lying sullenly on the floor next to him; he must have swatted it off his nightstand at some point in time as usual. He had barely ten minutes to wash up, gobble down breakfast and get to school. Talk about tight schedules. Heaving a sigh of resignation as he valiantly attempted to disentangle himself from his sheets, he figured that if he did all three real fast, he still had hopes of getting to practice no more than ten minutes late. Perhaps if he skipped half of breakfast and forwent his morning shower…

For the third time within that minute, Ryoma groaned when he was finally free of his blanket and felt the familiar stickiness in his pajama pants. "Not again…" he grumbled as he slapped his forehead; skipping the shower was not an option now.

Ryoma scowled darkly as he made his way to the bathroom; this problem was getting very much on his nerves. It had been happening for some time now, this… phenomenon. It was becoming more and more frequent for him to wake up from unsettlingly arousing dreams to find himself in the most humiliating state imaginable in his opinion.

To be entirely frank, he wasn't all that ignorant towards sexual issues despite his genuine disinterest in the perverse publications his father loved to indulge himself in. Ryoma knew very well that such occurrences were not unusual for boys at his age. The knowledge was of course reinforced by his father through ways he'd much rather not recall, but the bottom line was that he knew it was only natural for such an occurrence to take place. Therefore, he had no qualms about having wet dreams, naturally. What was there to fuss about your natural bodily functions? But then again, it wasn't all there was to the picture. The main problem lay with the content of his dreams.

As the near-scalding blast washed over him, Ryoma's thoughts started to wander.

He could not pinpoint exactly when it started. Echizen Ryoma was never one for details; he'd rather take things as they came. It's much easier that way. More convenient, he would say. So he had not noticed the first signs, and when the pattern was finally set, the boy had been shocked to the core. Never in the whole of his life had he ever thought that he would one day be fantasizing about…

Ryoma felt his face burning, not merely from the heat of the shower. He'd much rather not think about the subject of his nightly fantasies. He was in denial, and he knew it. He liked to take things as they came, and this had yet to become an urgent matter in Ryoma's opinion. One thing at a time.

This mentality would naturally lead to an inevitable snowball of problems for the young prodigy in the near future, but he did not need to know that. Yet. All he needed to know at this point in time was that time was running out and he now had less than four minutes to the start of practice.

He was going to be so dead.

* * *

The atmosphere was tense that Saturday morning as the tennis club started practice; even the air smelt of static sparks that were ready to go off any time. Oishi shifted uncomfortably as he glanced at the courts uneasily. Everything appeared as normal as could be. Everyone was in his place, doing what he should be doing, and there really wasn't anything wrong with the picture that the fukubuchou could point out. But then again, he had never been as sharp with things as Eiji or Fuji. Maybe he was missing out on some minor details like he was prone to. But that didn't make much sense to him. His brow furrowed slightly as he chewed absently on his lower lip; if it was really something small that he was missing out then why in the world was he feeling so unsettled? One only felt what one could observe, and if it really, really, were some minute detail that he failed to notice, then wouldn't it make more sense for him to not feel anything at all?

Oishi pondered over this a little more as he surveyed the scene before him more carefully. He eventually gave up; it did not make any sense to him and he would gladly leave it at that before his brain fried itself with all that thinking. Maybe he could ask Eiji about it later.

"Oishi." Tezuka's stern voice sliced through his thoughts like cutting butter. "Are you listening?"

Oishi almost jumped at the sharpness of Tezuka's voice. "H…Hai, Tezuka," he stammered nervously as he struggled to avoid Tezuka's piercing stare and maintain his dignity both at the same time. He was failing miserably.

"We're in the middle of practice right now, Oishi. The least you could do is to at least focus a little more. Not to mention that we're currently engaged in a discussion about the lineup for the upcoming Districts…" Tezuka said, a little harsher than need be.

In spite of himself, Oishi's head snapped up to study Tezuka a little more closely. There was something about the way Tezuka spoke that wasn't quite right.

"Tezuka, are you…"

"Am I what?" Tezuka returned coldly before Oishi could finish his question. The fukubuchou flinched involuntarily. Something was definitely amiss, he decided. But what was it that was irritating his best friend so much? If he hadn't known better he would have thought Tezuka was… angry. But as it was, he had known Tezuka for long enough- and well enough- to know that Tezuka was hardly ever angry.

A small frown made it way up the fukubuchou's forehead as he pondered over the puzzle. Tezuka's uncharacteristic outburst coupled with last night's conversation had becoming highly worrying in Oishi's opinion. What in the world was wrong?

"I asked a question, Oishi."

Oishi spluttered in surprise as he was once again hauled out of his thoughts by Tezuka who was presently glaring icily at him. He gulped nervously. "Ah… go..gomen, Tezuka. Ano… I was just asking if… you know… if…" he floundered helplessly as he felt himself fast withering under Tezuka's scrutiny.

Tezuka's eyes narrowed ever so slightly at Oishi's hesitation. He almost snapped at his friend again when he heard a faint rustling in the nearby shrubbery.

"O-ishi!" Eiji exclaimed as he suddenly materialized out of nowhere and latched himself onto the fukubuchou's back. "There you are! I was looking all over the place for you!"

"Eiji! What are you doing here?" A smile blossomed on Oishi's troubled face unconsciously as he gently pried his boyfriend's arms off his shoulders, forgetting for a moment that Tezuka was still glowering darkly at him.

"Nyah!" Eiji pouted as Oishi turned to face him. "I've been warming up with Fujiko-chan for the past half an hour while you talked to Tezuka! I want to practice that new formation with you now!" the redhead wheedled in a decidedly child-like manner.

"Oishi will resume practice once we have decided on the lineup for the Districts, Kikumaru," Tezuka deadpanned as his eyes gleamed ominously.

Eiji's eyes widened a little and Oishi thought he saw something flash in those chocolate depths. But it was gone as suddenly as it came and Oishi wondered if it was just a trick of the eye. "Nyah…" he whined as he threw his arms around Oishi once again. Oishi patted Eiji on the back lightly as he looked nervously towards Tezuka.

"Oishi," Tezuka started warningly when he was suddenly interrupted by a silken drawl.

"Ne, Tezuka. I'm sure it won't hurt to wait until practice ended to discuss the lineup, will it? It's pretty much settled anyway, ne?" Fuji quipped as he looked around the corner.

"Fuji!" Eiji exclaimed happily as he waved at his friend.

The tensai smiled as he sidled up to the trio. "Besides, Eiji has been so jumpy all the while we're warming up that I suspect he'll explode soon if you intend to keep Oishi for even a second longer," he drawled as he turned his head to address Tezuka directly. Eiji nodded emphatically in Oishi's arms.

Tezuka glanced sideways at the tensai who was still smiling benignly up at him, unaffected by his more than apparent ill disposition. They stayed that way for what felt like a very, very long while and Oishi was becoming more uncomfortable by the second. Eiji's hands tightened around Oishi.

"Very well," Tezuka said finally. "After practice then."

"Ok! C'mon Oishi!" Oishi barely had time to blink before he was dragged off to the practice courts by a very bouncy Kikumaru Eiji. Oishi shook his head a little in a futile attempt to clear his thoughts; he knew that something was terribly wrong but he could not point it out. Had he been a little more clear-minded, he would have noticed the relieved expression on Eiji's face. But he was not, therefore the tell-tale signs that slipped liberally across the acrobatic player's face went by unnoticed.

Behind them, Tezuka and Fuji kept up the staring contest, neither looking away from the other. It was after their friends were out of earshot that they started to talk and the tension in the air upped a notch.

* * *

Kisarazu Atsushi was a habitual early riser; he never understood how anyone could ever sleep so late into the day that it was late afternoon by the time they were up and about. Therefore it had always irked him that most of his teammates turned out to be late risers. Especially Mizuki Hajime. Despite being manager and advisor to their team, bossing them about in an almost inhumane way, the dark-haired boy was notorious for sleeping in. Atsushi scoffed at the thought as he made his way to the canteen for breakfast.

Where he stopped dead in his tracks.

He stared at the sight before him in disbelief. Then he rubbed hard at his eyes to make sure that he wasn't hallucinating at all. Nope, he wasn't. Atsushi briefly wondered if the sun had risen from the west this morning; it seemed like a possible reason given that Mizuki Hajime was currently seated at one of the tables sipping coffee, toying with something in his hands. Mizuki Hajime who never made an appearance before one o'clock in the afternoon on a non-school day.

Weird.

He wondered briefly if he should join Mizuki at the table if just out of courtesy. The decision was taken from him as Yuuta slowly made his way to Mizuki's table with a laden tray. Atsushi blinked. In his stupor at seeing Mizuki up this early he had failed to register Yuuta's presence in the canteen as well.

Yuuta took a seat across from Mizuki and began to eat while Mizuki continued sipping his coffee.

Atsushi frowned a little; weren't they a little too quiet? Mizuki Hajime had a habit of rambling endlessly, but it was worse by tenfold whenever he was around Yuuta. Practice schedules, training menus, taunts about Yuuta not being able to beat his tensai aniki, so on and so forth. Light-hearted banter. But they were strangely quiet today with neither talking much to the other.

Weird.

But upon closer inspection, Atsushi caught the slightest movement of Yuuta's lips. So they were talking. Whispering, to each other. And Atsushi suddenly felt uncomfortable as he continued to watch the two of them. It was as if he was intruding on some private moment that wasn't meant for public eyes. He considered returning to his dorm so as to give them a little privacy when he saw Mizuki slip something across the tabletop to Yuuta. It was a small package. It was the something that he had seen Mizuki toying with.

The last thing Atsushi saw as he slipped quietly away was the shadow of a smile about Yuuta's lips as he picked up the package.

If he had stayed a second longer he would have seen Mizuki hiding his smile behind his cup as he took yet another sip of coffee.

* * *

"What do you want?" Tezuka asked coldly as he regarded the tensai who had taken up a more comfortable posture by the wall.

"Ne, Tezuka. I think you should be asking that question of yourself; Oishi did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment from you. That was rather mean of you, Tezuka," Fuji drawled calmly. "You really should learn to control your anger."

"I am not angry." _Liar. Liar. Liar._

"Maa…" Fuji's eyes opened just a little. "You do realize that only a fool would believe that, don't you? The way you were ordering twice the usual number of laps and the way you were barking and glaring at everyone in the club are rather telling, don't you think? There is a reason why everyone is so wound up today, you know."

"That is most unfortunate, but I can hardly help it when they're plainly asking for it with the way they're slacking off."

Fuji's smile froze. "You're being childish, Tezuka," he stated silkily, "throwing tantrums and venting your anger on others. Grow up, won't you?"

Tezuka felt his eyes twitch. "If you have nothing better to say, I'd suggest you return to practice."

Fuji smirked. "Scared?"

"Is that a challenge?"

Fuji shrugged. "What do you think?"

A pause as they continued to glare at each other.

"I think this is pointless." Tezuka turned to leave. Fuji lunged forward to capture the taller boy's wrist. Tezuka frowned as he attempted to shake off the tensai's grip.

"Stop it, Tezuka. Can't you see that everyone's worried about you? Eiji, Oishi and me. What good is it going to do you if you intend to keep it all cooped up like that?" Deep cerulean eyes stared straight into Tezuka's steel grey ones. "What's wrong?"

Tezuka felt the warmth in those beautiful eyes wash over him, soothing and comforting. But he wasn't about to give in. "I appreciate your concern, but I suggest that you tend to your own matters before meddling with others' issues. You are hardly convincing if you can't even settle your own problems." Cold and expressionless.

Fuji withdrew his hand as if Tezuka's skin burnt. Tezuka knew he had cut the tensai to the quick, but strangely felt no guilt.

Vengeance was sweet.

"Tezuka…" Fuji's voice shook just a little before the usual smile slid back in place and his eyes closed once more. "It seems neither of us is ready yet, ne? Maybe if we aren't so scared we could have made confidantes of each other."

"Maybe, but don't count on it, Fuji."

And Fuji smiled just a little more except it looked more pained than the usual amusement.

* * *

When Ryoma finally made it to school, forty minutes of practice had already passed. Fully aware of the horror of Tezuka's punishment for tardiness, the freshman attempted to slip in as discreetly as possible. Which could only be accomplished in his wildest dreams.

"Ochibi!" Eiji, being ever-vigilant, had been the first to spot the stealthy boy. There had been a special reason for being extra-vigilant today of course, but Eiji was not about to admit it to anyone. Not even Oishi. He had a hypothesis to prove and until it was proven he would not let anything slip.

Kikumaru Eiji was sneaky that way.

"Eiji-senpai!" Ryoma cried, distraught, flailing about helplessly in an attempt to free himself from the death grip of his energetic senpai. Eiji laughed as he mussed up the freshman's hair, kicking up a royal ruckus complete with much screaming, kicking and the likes. Oishi watched on almost as helplessly as Ryoma, heaving a heavy sigh of resignation.

_Any time now… _Eiji looked out of the corner of his eye for the familiar figures he was waiting for. Any time now.

And sure enough, there were Tezuka and Fuji making their way to the courts.

"What is going on here?" Tezuka demanded, face expressionless as always.

A secret smirk to himself, Eiji released the unfortunate freshman. "Ochibi's here!" The redhead beamed at his friends as they entered the courts.

Upon setting eyes on the freshman, Tezuka's lips thinned. "Tardiness is one thing I will not tolerate from club members, especially the Regulars. One hundred laps. Now." Ryoma bit back a groan as he jerked his cap downwards forcefully.

"Hai, buchou."

As he passed Fuji on his way out of the courts, the tensai rested a comforting hand on the younger prodigy's upper arm, a sympathetic smile gracing his features. Ryoma nodded sullenly before starting on his hundred laps. Tezuka watched the freshman round the corner before resuming his vigil of the other club members' training. All this while, Eiji was watching and carefully taking notes. As he turned to face his boyfriend again, he allowed himself a secret triumphant smile; he was one step closer to the truth now. For Kikumaru Eiji was the only one to notice how the tension seemed to have dissipated from the air the moment Ryoma's presence was made known.

As the acrobatic player resumed his place on court, he smirked involuntarily. Geniuses could be such delusional beings sometimes; they never realized they were being read until it was too late.

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A/N: sorry for the late update. a big thank you to all of you who have read and reviewed this fic; greatly appreciated. hope this chapter is worth the wait... maybe not. hehez. but writer's blocks are such hateful things, and when coupled with school, well, you get the picture. sigh. a note before i go though. eiji's plans may seem a little abrupt here, but i'll be clearing things up a bit in the following chapters. yepps. please hold on there then:D 


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